Life's a funny thing.

Lifes a funny thing isnt it? I feel strangly at peace today, even though I know there is a lot for me to feel uneasy about. I know that even though I could be afraid, anxious, lonely, worried, or any other dark feeling that I could be lost in, somehow, I know that I am cared for, looked after, and loved. I have spent the last week especially feeling really unhappy, and fried over things that quite frankly arent as important as I made them out to be. My car broke down this past week, and I have been stressing out more than I can describe, but in the past few days, I have realized that even the trees are taken care of and recieve all that they require. The flowers of the feild require nothing but the love of God to supply them with everything they need to glorify Him, so why should I be any different? I have a song in my heart that is lifting my spirit higher and higher as I sing it. Though there is an entire world outside just waiting to crush me, I know that I can meet with God here, in the quiet of my soul. He has made his home in my heart and although I dont always hear him, I know that I can learn to listen. I may not be a perfect creation, but I am his creation, and that is all I need right now, and that may be all I need forever.

How long do I wait?

Lately I have been put in some interesting positions with my faith, and I really feel like it is being tested, because I have been led to trust that God is going to allow me to make it through the situations of financial need, and I have been almost too glad to do so, and lately I have been feeling some of those situations crumbling around me. I honestly need a lot of money, and I dont know how I am going to get it. I sat in my old room, in the house I grew up in, today and just cried. Wept and sobbed because I have no idea how I am going to make things come together money wise these next couple of weeks. I honestly am falling apart because I need so much money and there is no way for me to make enough at starbucks right now to even put a dent in cataclysmic amount that I need. I fell to pieces after trying to piece things together the best that I knew how, and still coming up short. I am really frustrated because I know that if I can just make it over this hump, I will be able to at least handel the bills that I have, it is just this time right now that is ravaging my heart and mind so badly. What really burns my cookies to is the fact that I got myself into a situation depending on what God would provide, and what he would guide me to, and now I really feel like I wasnt putting forth enough effort to be independant of his help. It all just doesnt make any sense to me. I believe that God will provide for me, and I try to follow that belief, and I still manage to screw things up with my bad habits. So be praying for me guys, I know I can make it, I just dont know how.

Trust in He who gave birth to the heavens

Trust can be a wonderful yet terrifyingly difficult task to complete. Some people have trouble trusting because they have been wronged one too many times, or because someone they love let them down when it mattered the most to them, or maybe their parents weren't what they needed to be for them to be able to take comfort in someone who is caring for them.
Well for me, all of these issues and more have played into my inability to trust anyone. When somone makes a promise to me, I find it hard to believe that they can keep it no matter how much they mean to me. It seems like invariably everyone is going to let you down at one point or another. Thats why I find it increasingly difficult to put my faith and trust in God. Although I know that he will never fail me or in any way let me down, I also know what everyone has done in my past.
The reason I mention any of this is to go on to say that I feel as though I have found a new comfort in trusting God. Though it isnt any easier for me by any stretch of the imagination, I know that he is a perfect heavenly father, and he will never fail to keep a promise that he has made. I can feel comforted by the fact that God loves me, and he wants me to be a perfect creation. I know I'm not perfect, however, He won't stop loving me because of my imperfections.
Thats something I have always feared, that God would choose not to love me because of my sexuality, or because of my guilt, or because of any of my other compusive sinning behaviors. I just found a wonderful apartment, and I am going to be living in the community, and pressing deeper and deeper into Christ, I cant get enough of him, and I know that living down here, I will get the chance to fall even harder in love with him.
For me, this takes a great deal of trust, because I have really never been out on my own in this way before, and yet I know that I am not really alone either, because I have the entire community to depend on, and I can take comfort in the fact that they will not let me down either, so durring those times when I am having trouble hearing God, I know that I can turn to them, and take comfort in the encouragement they bring.

A New Prospective

I have rescently had a pretty funny feeling about my life, and its almost erie that its not a feeling of pain, or anguish, or disgust, its a feeling of pride and joy in the love of my savior. Lately I have wanted to tell everyone I come across the amazing love that God has for all of us. I had a chance to sit down with a couple of my friends from here at Grubby Kupp and just converse about my general state of faith. I am extatic about the blessings that God has laid upon my life. I feel amazingly blessed that he has shown his love for me over and over, in situation after situation. Meaning the great job at Starbucks that I can go to and share the gospel of his son, and the amazing friends that he has given to me whom I can talk to about anything without fear of being rejected for my shortcommings, and I also feel blessed for all the mistakes that I make, because through those mistakes and sins, I am able to find humbleness in his eyes, and I am able to seek forgiveness from them, and I am also able to become healed from them. So all in all lately I have been feeling pretty blessed by the lord, and I believe that he will continue to rain those blessings upon me in multitudes.

Trying to make it through another day.

How can someone tell who they are if there has never been anyone like them to ask who they are? What if there are a lot of people that you can ask, but theres just no one speaking up to say what they found out. What if you were so sure that you knew who you were that you drasticly altered your life to the point that you didnt think that you could go back, and then you found out that you were wrong. You found out that who you were is who you were supposed to be and you never should have changed in the first place? I feel like that sometimes. That I have changed my life completely to please God, but he is in heaven screaming down to me that that isnt something that can be changed, so I keep going on with something that I am destined to fail. I am doing everything that I can to live the life that every christian says I am supposed to live, and yet as great as it is, I cant be happy, because its just not me. I feel like I have to be a chameleon, and change who I am on the outside, but on the inside everything is exactly the same. I dont want it to be the same, but no matter how hard I try, I cant change the inside. I wish I knew what I could do to make my self different, yet everyone I turn to gives me the simple christian answer that homosexuality is wrong, but they dont know what its like. They dont know what it is at all. I dont know why I know this, but I can feel it inside that even though homosexuality isnt normal, that doesnt make it wrong. I just wish that there was a way to show that to everyone else. I wish that everyone in the world had to know what it was like to be gay for at least one day. Then they would see. Its not a choice, its not something that can be changed, and its not a disease. Its just hard you know. I feel like I dont have a choice on two things in my life, being a christian and being gay, and yet in order to be one, I cant be the other according to everyone. If people knew how many men spend sleepless nights just trying to appologize to God for being gay, but there just seems to be nothing that they can do about it. No matter how hard they try, there just doesnt seem to be anyway to escape it. I have learned a lot of things about being gay in the last few months, and one is that homosexuality is a result of a mans relationship with his father, or his male role model. I also found out that you can love someone with all your heart, but if you are gay, you would only be lying to yourself to be with them if you are gay. Also, that being gay doesnt just mean that you are sexually attracted to the same sex, it also means that there is something more than that, something I cant really understand or describe, but I know what it is when you are with that person. And because I have learned these things, I feel so helpless, because even though I can tell them to anyone who will listen, that doesnt mean that they can understand it until they find it out for themselves.

Venti Life Change: No Whipped Cream

So, lately I have been going through a lot of changes in my life, I have a girlfriend now of almost 2 weeks, I got a job at Starbucks, and I am feeling insanely happy lately. Its almost funny how somethings in your life can seem so overwhelming, and yet they make you so happy that you want to tell the world. I am really proud that Monica and I are approaching our relationship maturly, and yet we take the time to just have some immature fun every once and a while. I know that she and I are going to do awesome no matter what comes up against us. I thank God every chance I get that I have her in my life, and I wouldnt change that for the world. I am really excited that I am starting at Starbucks to, because I have needed a job for a while now, and Prarie is training me, plus its a really amazing company just from what I have learned in this short amound of training.
Its funny because anytime in my life that things are going badly, I always have to rely on God to pull me through, and then I just assume that when things are better I can become self reliant again, but I realized something lately, that even when things are going perfectly, it is by Gods awesome hand that we are able to have something so good. Thats why I really have faith that I can just rely on God through all these good times just as much as the bad, and he will stand at my side giving his love to me.

Real World: Cincinnati

So, my life feels like one big episode of the real world. The only difference is these cameras can hear what I am saying in my head. I dont know what to do sometime because I feel like I am headed for a mental collapse. Its not like there is even a lot of weight on my shoulders or anything, its just that mentally I feel drained, economicly, I am empty, and religously I feel like a failure. I realize that there really is no way to become perfect in these three catagories, and I also know that you cant just take a vacation from these responsibilities, but I feel as though, if I dont get some kind of breather from all of this bombardment, I am going to fall over dead. I am not psycho-scuicidal or anything at all, but I feel like I would rather be dead than to deal with all this shit lately. The pain on my mind is excrutiating, if anyone wants to know what has been going on specificly, just message me, and I can talk to you about it, but for now, all I can say is that its more than I can bear. I have just wanted to get in my car for the past couple of days and just drive as far away as I possibly could. And then I look at my gas guage, and realize that I probably wouldnt even make it to the highway. And as all this is happening, I keep screaming out to God in the dark, wondering why he has left my side. I know he is there, but with no light to aid me in seeing him, I am just stumbling around. I feel like I am trying to tread water, and the more stuff that happens, the more weight that is tossed on my shoulders. And I am slipping deeper and deeper under water, drowning.