Trying to make it through another day.
How can someone tell who they are if there has never been anyone like them to ask who they are? What if there are a lot of people that you can ask, but theres just no one speaking up to say what they found out. What if you were so sure that you knew who you were that you drasticly altered your life to the point that you didnt think that you could go back, and then you found out that you were wrong. You found out that who you were is who you were supposed to be and you never should have changed in the first place? I feel like that sometimes. That I have changed my life completely to please God, but he is in heaven screaming down to me that that isnt something that can be changed, so I keep going on with something that I am destined to fail. I am doing everything that I can to live the life that every christian says I am supposed to live, and yet as great as it is, I cant be happy, because its just not me. I feel like I have to be a chameleon, and change who I am on the outside, but on the inside everything is exactly the same. I dont want it to be the same, but no matter how hard I try, I cant change the inside. I wish I knew what I could do to make my self different, yet everyone I turn to gives me the simple christian answer that homosexuality is wrong, but they dont know what its like. They dont know what it is at all. I dont know why I know this, but I can feel it inside that even though homosexuality isnt normal, that doesnt make it wrong. I just wish that there was a way to show that to everyone else. I wish that everyone in the world had to know what it was like to be gay for at least one day. Then they would see. Its not a choice, its not something that can be changed, and its not a disease. Its just hard you know. I feel like I dont have a choice on two things in my life, being a christian and being gay, and yet in order to be one, I cant be the other according to everyone. If people knew how many men spend sleepless nights just trying to appologize to God for being gay, but there just seems to be nothing that they can do about it. No matter how hard they try, there just doesnt seem to be anyway to escape it. I have learned a lot of things about being gay in the last few months, and one is that homosexuality is a result of a mans relationship with his father, or his male role model. I also found out that you can love someone with all your heart, but if you are gay, you would only be lying to yourself to be with them if you are gay. Also, that being gay doesnt just mean that you are sexually attracted to the same sex, it also means that there is something more than that, something I cant really understand or describe, but I know what it is when you are with that person. And because I have learned these things, I feel so helpless, because even though I can tell them to anyone who will listen, that doesnt mean that they can understand it until they find it out for themselves.
posted by Jeremiah in Porgress @ 10:07 AM
1 comments
1 Comments:
God's grace is amazing, pure and simple. The fact that we are completely dependent on His grace is very often (for me at least) a frightening concept. There is absolutely nothing we can do to make God any closer to us...nor is there anything we can do to make ourselves farther away. It is through HIS amazing, uncanny, ruthlessly unrelenting love and grace that we have communion with him and each other.
So that's a little scary sometimes. I can't control it, I can't manipulate it, I can't increase it or decrease it. I can only accept it. And yet, there is a peace that comes from knowing that when it is all said and done, when there are no more successes or failures, God's love will be all there is. Acceptance is the key. Accepting, believing God at his word of love is what this all comes down to. Not trying to force some sort of perfection, not trying to chip off the things about ourselves that may disturb us or distract us, but in looking unflinchingly into the all-loving, all-forgiving eyes of the crucified and risen Christ. That is our home, that is our peace.
And the funny thing is, the more we accept, believe, and LIVE in this amazing grace, the more we walk in the light. The more we walk in the light, the more we are purified and strengthened in our walk. So it's through love, not trying to kick a habit or a temptation that we find the strength to carry on and overcome.
Nope, I don't know what it's like. But I do know Love. And his name is Jesus of Nazareth. I have my own batch of insecurities, struggles, and fears, most of which I convince myself sometimes that if anyone ever saw them, they'd never speak to me again. But I also have my Jesus. And He has me. And He is enough. My heart is His temple, his is my joy. And I know it's true for you, too.
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