Trying to make it through another day.

How can someone tell who they are if there has never been anyone like them to ask who they are? What if there are a lot of people that you can ask, but theres just no one speaking up to say what they found out. What if you were so sure that you knew who you were that you drasticly altered your life to the point that you didnt think that you could go back, and then you found out that you were wrong. You found out that who you were is who you were supposed to be and you never should have changed in the first place? I feel like that sometimes. That I have changed my life completely to please God, but he is in heaven screaming down to me that that isnt something that can be changed, so I keep going on with something that I am destined to fail. I am doing everything that I can to live the life that every christian says I am supposed to live, and yet as great as it is, I cant be happy, because its just not me. I feel like I have to be a chameleon, and change who I am on the outside, but on the inside everything is exactly the same. I dont want it to be the same, but no matter how hard I try, I cant change the inside. I wish I knew what I could do to make my self different, yet everyone I turn to gives me the simple christian answer that homosexuality is wrong, but they dont know what its like. They dont know what it is at all. I dont know why I know this, but I can feel it inside that even though homosexuality isnt normal, that doesnt make it wrong. I just wish that there was a way to show that to everyone else. I wish that everyone in the world had to know what it was like to be gay for at least one day. Then they would see. Its not a choice, its not something that can be changed, and its not a disease. Its just hard you know. I feel like I dont have a choice on two things in my life, being a christian and being gay, and yet in order to be one, I cant be the other according to everyone. If people knew how many men spend sleepless nights just trying to appologize to God for being gay, but there just seems to be nothing that they can do about it. No matter how hard they try, there just doesnt seem to be anyway to escape it. I have learned a lot of things about being gay in the last few months, and one is that homosexuality is a result of a mans relationship with his father, or his male role model. I also found out that you can love someone with all your heart, but if you are gay, you would only be lying to yourself to be with them if you are gay. Also, that being gay doesnt just mean that you are sexually attracted to the same sex, it also means that there is something more than that, something I cant really understand or describe, but I know what it is when you are with that person. And because I have learned these things, I feel so helpless, because even though I can tell them to anyone who will listen, that doesnt mean that they can understand it until they find it out for themselves.

Venti Life Change: No Whipped Cream

So, lately I have been going through a lot of changes in my life, I have a girlfriend now of almost 2 weeks, I got a job at Starbucks, and I am feeling insanely happy lately. Its almost funny how somethings in your life can seem so overwhelming, and yet they make you so happy that you want to tell the world. I am really proud that Monica and I are approaching our relationship maturly, and yet we take the time to just have some immature fun every once and a while. I know that she and I are going to do awesome no matter what comes up against us. I thank God every chance I get that I have her in my life, and I wouldnt change that for the world. I am really excited that I am starting at Starbucks to, because I have needed a job for a while now, and Prarie is training me, plus its a really amazing company just from what I have learned in this short amound of training.
Its funny because anytime in my life that things are going badly, I always have to rely on God to pull me through, and then I just assume that when things are better I can become self reliant again, but I realized something lately, that even when things are going perfectly, it is by Gods awesome hand that we are able to have something so good. Thats why I really have faith that I can just rely on God through all these good times just as much as the bad, and he will stand at my side giving his love to me.