Searching for Forgivness

Searching for forgivness seems to be a fruitless task for me. It sounds very inappropriate to say that, I know, but I feel that even when I recieve the grace of God, and he forgives me, that I am not forgiven. When I say that I have not been forgiven, I mean by myself. Thats the problem that I have been having lately. I sin, and then I am so crushed by the fact that I wavered in my faith that I then cannot forgive myself for what I did. Its a difficult place to be in.

The arms of my father

This past couple of days I have been trying to think about the loving feeling of falling into the arms of my heavenly father. The idea may sound a bit corney, but it really baffels me how awesome it truely would be. Some times I lay awake at night thinking about the awesomeness that would surround me when that day comes.
But then, I wonder, would he even want to hold me in his arms. Am I something that God would want to be that close to. Saddly enough, the answer I came up with is no, I dont deserve to be held in the arms of the creator of the universe. I do so many things in complete defiance of his word, that there could be no way for him to want me anymore.
Knowing that I dont deserve him, and he shouldnt want to hold me in his arms, breaks me into pieces. I feel so horrible when I think about the way that I make my heavenly father feel. Sometimes it makes it too hard to go on. But thats when I remember, that because I love him the way that I do, and because I know that he loves me even more than that, all these things that I have done can be forgiven. I realize that nothing is to great to condem me forever. If I am willing to strive to seek God's grace, and I can be a man who, isnt perfect, but lives a life trying to be, then I know that he is always there waiting with his arms wide open, ready to sweep me up and just love me.

! Update !

Well, basicly, right now I am trying to make the most of the things that I can easily deciffer. The first thing being that I went to a guy that I work with's place and I just thought that we would hang out even though I sort of expected him to be thinking otherwise, but I went over all the same, because I wanted to make up for blowing him off the previous night. And I was right with what I assumed would happen, first he offered me a beer, which I very easily said no to, and then he invited me into his bed room. I knew what he was thinking when he did that, because there were other guys in the living room, and he obviously wanted to get me alone. I am not completely sure why I went into his room, but I did, so whatever. Anyway, he asked me again if I wanted a beer, and I again said no. I sat down in his chair, and chilled out for a minute, wondering what he thought was going to happen. When he came into the room, he had a glass of what looked like water, but I didnt want to take any chances, so I pretended to drink from it and set it back down. He then strattled me and began to make out with me. Now, I probably at that point should have pushed him away, and left, but I guess I dont think when I have someone elses tongue in my mouth. So I just rolled with it, because I guess I figured what harm could come from kissing. When he stopped kissing me, he tried to pull me over to his bed, and as much as I would have enjoyed just laying back and getting my rocks off for the first time in a long time, I just said no. I was really proud of myself, and I was also a little scared of what he might think about me. But when he asked why, I told him straight up that it was because I had very strong religious convictions that kept me from being with anyone physically until I knew that it was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. At first he tried to convince me that I should just forget about that because it wasnt for guys like me, but then I remembered what John and I talked about and I was prouder than I had ever been that I resisted sex.
I feel much more like a man than a little boy because I was able to resist this. And I know it may be pushing it, I am going dancing with him this weekend, just to have a little bit of fun that I havent had in a long time. So, let me know what you guys think?

In Christ,
Jeremy

Where do we fit in?

I have been plauging my mind the past few nights trying to see something that may not be there. I dont know really what my place is in the world right now. I know that as a Christian, sometimes there is no place at all, but I feel like there are somethings that just dont fit with the way I feel right now. I know that there are some parts of me that just seemed right before, but with the immense changes that I have been experiencing, it seems like maybe I have been trying to delete too much of the man I used to be. I have been trying to strip away parts of me that were not ment to be taken. I think there are human flaws that are a contradiction to who Christ wants us to be, but because they are so innate to us as human beings, they are just some of those things that we should be regretful of, but not that we should stubbornly try to alter. Some flaws are nessasery for going on in life. I believe that although God spoke to Adam and Eve with complete knowelege of what could happen, it was nessacery for them to mess up, and although they should be regretful, the continuance of existance depended on that mistake, so I can hardly feel as though that event was not ment to happen. And I think right now, I feel a lot like Eve probably did at the end of her life. I think that she probably looked back at the events that had occured, and she was sorry for not honoring her father's every wish, but I think that she probably saw things from a different view. Any of you out there who have kids can probably identify, especially if you were unmarried when you had sex. Yes, fornication is sinful, but the life that was brought forth, somewhat changes your view on the entire situation.
Right now, I dont know what I would call my sexuallity, and I am regretful of the pain that I am sure that I am causing my heavenly father, but I am not seeing the situation from the same view point. I do feel as though I am a completely new man in the name of God, however there are parts of my life that I feel are somewhat destined to be sinful. I dont know if that makes sence or not, but lately I have been ignoring every thing that I have learned in my life and tryed to start over, but I dont think that is what I was supposed to do. I believe that I learned these things for a reason. And being gay has taught me countless things, and I am very proud of the things that I have seeked out and learned. This knowelege is like my bastard child. Though it was attained in a very unconventional way, it means more to me than I have words to say.
I need a lot of prayer guys, I am really really going through some heavy stuff right now, and I am having trouble deceiffering what is real from what isnt. So keep me in your prayers.

Jeremy

Don't listen, just hear.

I have been thinking and praying about listening to the words that are being told to me, and really soaking them in. I feel that there is a greatness in language that is lost when we try to let our minds translate what we hear rather than our hearts. I have really come to the conclusion that there is more to words than what we hear. We have to hear the heart of what is being said. Feel the life that these words are taking. I am very involved in listening to music, and up until now I had talked about the power in song, but I dont think I really got it. The real power comes when you listen, hear, and understand the words. There is something amazing behind it. I learned that when you are really listening with no barriers up, you can understand exactly what God wants you to understand. But when we are worried about the notes, or the rhythem, or weather we should be clapping or standing, or sitting, or all of the other millions of things that seem to distract us when we are worshiping our lord and savior, thats when we lose the meaning and heart of the song. I want to thank Lou indirectly for there being a song that I didnt know the words to last night at GK. It made me close my eyes and mouth and listen to what was going on in the heart of the words, rather than focus on everything else. I recomend that if you are having trouble with hearing what is being said, and all you seem to be able to do is listen to words, close your eyes, dont speak, and just wait for God to reveal those words to you.
This week has been the greatest week of my life that I can see, because not only have a realized that I am not the man I once was, but I can make it through the trials ahead. I can make it. I believe that with my friends at my side, there is nothing I cant do, and I want to thank Scott, Lou, and John especially for those realizations, and I think that from this point on, I can depend more and more on the help of others rather than wearing the burden of the planet on my shoulders.
And lastly I would like to ask for prayer in every aspect of my life. I dont know if the house of guys who go to GK know this or not, but they may have been the greatest encouragement of all. I see in them great strength, and an example that I am really being called to live by also. I realized how much Television takes up every fascet of my life, and I have decided that I am going to stop playing video games and watching T.V. I would also like a prayer of guidence because I feel as though I am being called to move into Cincinnati somewhere and I dont know just where yet, but I am praying that it will be shown to me sometime soon. So, thanks guys.